flying_high33

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:57:18 GMT

Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 11:16:56 GMT

This is more of a personal list of things not to forget I want as I know I will if it isn't written someplace:

lasgo
love me still by K (cant remember the rest)

I know this list will grow but it's a start. I don't know how but I broke my limewire so will have to work out someplace else to get my music from.

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 14:14:55 GMT

So far I think I am on about song 5,000! My friend has the biggest (and most varied) music collection I know of and I stupidly said I would see how long it took to make a copy of them all on itunes for his ipod I got him for christmas. The great thing is...me and him are on the same network so I get to have full access to all his music! I am so completely in love with music at the moment. There are songs that just bring you up when you're down. I had some proper classics on the morning so loud that the floor was shaking. My taste in music is strange. Take last night for instance...driving around (for no reason other than an excuse to put the music up and chill out with some friends) listening to more dance type music where as when it's just me I love the proper old ones from when I was growing up. I am going to load the file with the list of all the artists and albums onto here once I have finished and if anyone wants something they are welcome.

For some reason I started in the middle so have done L - P. Although...I have been jumping around the alphabet a little to make sure I definatly have the CD's I really want before I leave on Monday. E.g. Razorlight. I really want the new song by Gwen Stefani but will never get around to downloading it. Oh oh and a woman said I can borrow an awesome CD that we listened to the other day but I can't for the life of me remember who it was by.

All in all...a new found love for music!

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 09:50:05 GMT

Just a few points:

1. I HATE living out of a bag
2. Men are pricks and women are well...not quite sorted out my thoughts on them yet. All the ones I know are bitches but I'm hoping someone will surprise me.

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 10:00:09 GMT

Going to ignore the problem of last night by going for a romantic (lol hope her girlfriend doesn't find out) picnic on the beach. The guy is nice but still a GUY. Will stick with women. With men I fall for the personality (even though in my opinion, which isn't reliable he is sexy) but with women it's more than that, a physical thing. I'm not questioning my sexuality again am I?

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 23:28:50 GMT

I feel so trapped, so stuck. I had a great evening with someone who I care about but why is there this feeling of guilt? Is it because these feelings are for a man? I don't think I could deal with coming out again. I'm not even saying I'm not gay anymore but just have caring feelings about a man who is interested in me and I wouldn't be completely against seeing where it goes. Problem is I know women are SEXY and that maybe I only think this way because of either the large amount of alcohol in my blood or because I'm not getting that affection elsewhere.

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 09:45:30 GMT

This is the first time in months I can remember my dream. It's only just coming back to me and by the time I have wrote this it will all have gone again I'm sure. Started off in a bar having a few drinks playing those slot machines and actually WINNING! The man at the bar said that we are all getting chucked out at 10:15 for some big pool contest. I hung around until the guy running it asked me to leave and as he ignored all my "sweet talking" to convince him to stay I picked a ball of the table of someone who was playing and rolled it into some others messing the the whole lot up.
That caused the guy to chase me but he wasn't fast enough and I got to the forth floor of a random building that I had apparently just moved into. I met the woman who I live next to and instantly thought about how great it would be to kiss her then and then (but held back). We drank for a while before I even walked in the apartment. Here is where it gets strange. I opened the door and all there was was a material walkway you had to balance your way along that was attached to the far wall. You were meant to sleep on it like a hammock. Worst part is you look down and you can see the other floors below as there is no floor, or walls, or anything but a huge lake below us. Like hell am I going to sleep on a 3 foot wide suspended rag 4 floors over a surprisingly clear lake (had a huge sea turtle in it). I cut the material from the wall and stayed outside wondering what to do when the hot neighbor re-appeared feeling very bad and threw up once we reached reception.

At this point the noisy girl who lives next door woke me up!
I never remember my dreams, must have been the comment to make them sweet. Would that come under sweet? The hot girl would I think. She was a red-head which isn't usually my type.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 22:06:40 GMT

Am so bored! Ever feel like just getting a break? Need one now!

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 13:59:02 GMT

Went with a friend to their kids play last night and it got me thinking as her little girl came out dancing in a little snowman costume..I want this. I want to sit holding my partners (ok so I don' have one a the moment but this is all make believe) hand watching our little girl or boy do something...sports or acting etc. Want to kiss my partner as everyone applauds the end both thinking how in love we are and how great everything is. Want a family.

Sleepless In London

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 09:06:54 GMT

I woke up at 5.30 after 4 hours of sleep. Now I have a song stuck in my hed along the lines of "the drugs don't work, they just make you worse but I..." and it will annoy me as I can't remember who it's by. But yeah...have that in my head because I have been taking pills as I have problems sleeping and they DON'T WORK!!!

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 06:26:27 GMT

It's so confusing when you meet up with an ex. The moment you start having a wicked time (laughing, joking etc) you both get that warm and fuzzy, yet at the same time painful feeling. You have lost them, they have lost you...what you had was lost. I sat there sipping my coffee looking at nothing but the cup so she couldn't see what was obvious from my eyes...I wanted to kiss her.

That ever happened to anyone else? How did you deal with it?

:(

:(

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:10:31 GMT

Spent the weekend in hospital :( Was meant to be out having a quiet drink with some people when my best bud collapsed. She scared the fucking hell out of me I swear it. I knew she gets these fits but in all the years I have known her not once has she had one around me. I was shaking so bad! She needed to stay in for observation overnight so that's how my weekend went.

PINK

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 17:53:06 GMT

OH MY GOD!!! PINK TICKETS FOR FREE!! Who in their right mind would pass that up...the chance to go watch the sexiest singer alive! Anyone disagree?

While on the topic...does anyone else check out random people on the street and think about how hot they are? Like on my way home the other day and a group of teenagers were talking about liking short women. They got my attention as one of them was a girl talking. They were joking about how that short women don't have to bend down to suck something (and the girl gave a rather nice description of an ex at tit height). I admit I was sitting there on the subway getting warmed up thinking about me doing that to her. Is this just me being really weird or would anyone else get that way in the same situation?

Given Up

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 17:07:54 GMT

There are just some people who can't help but play with your heart. Lay thinking the other night as sleep refused to pass over me...what would I be like without her in my life? The answer...fine. I would survive. What we have at the moment consists of fights about her not making an effort but neither am I, I'm past that point. I asked what she expected from me and her reply was "for you to be a friend" but how can she possibly expect that? I asked if there was a difference between what she wants and what she expects, the answer was no. If I had treated someone really badly I would expect that they would not really want to talk to me let alone expect that they should be there for me when I am having problems in my new relationship. I may want all of that but would keep my expectations much much lower. Why can't she no see she is asking for to much to soon? She needs to see that expectations and hopes are very different things. How can I possibly make her see that when she just gets defensive?

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 11:51:53 GMT

Sometimes I stop and think to myself...are there any nice women out there? Ones who don't treat you like crap and wonder why you have a problem with them? Where are all those movie romances that sweep you off your feet? It's at times like this that I get very tempted to go back towards men...simple and driven by one thing. Only problem is that they just don't get me excited. Met a really sweet guy at Christmas and he asked me out but when I kissed him goodnight I felt nothing in the way I would with a woman. I am not really questioning if I want women or not because I know I do...I just question the finding of them. How are you meant to find one without going to clubs or bars which aren't really my kind of scene anymore. There is a woman who works in a store down the street from me that I got talking to when I went in to buy the L word on dvd. We were talking about not being able to wait for the new season. She said to make sure that I go and talk to her the next time I go there...should that be read as maybe flirting? Or just being friendly? My problem...my gay-dar doesn't exist.

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 12:08:58 GMT

I swear...sometimes it feels like I am the only one actually doing any work!!!

I don't know

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 13:01:47 GMT

It's my ex's birthday coming up soon...should I send her a card? I am completely lost with what to do. Would she appreciate the gesture or ignore it or be unfairly harsh towards me with questions of why I bothered. We haven't been talking for a while but I want to find a way to show her that I care enough to remember.
On another point, I told my girlfriend to fuck off this morning because I'm sick of how controlling she has gotten...ok so she was the one who dumped me for a guy but why is she thinking that I'm only back with her so I can do the same thing to her???

Tomorrow

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:14:48 GMT

I really can't wait!!! Going to visit my girlfriend tomorrow and she has the whole afternoon off!!! We already know what we will be doing. Starting with meeting her from work (she is no longer paranoid that people at her work will get suspicious of us and she doesn't mind me meeting her there anymore, which is part of her new confidence thing), we are going to go for a quiet lunch together and then spend pretty much the next at least 4 hours in her bed (or where ever we make it to).

Back Together

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 19:06:05 GMT

Me and her are together again!!! I thought I would have some big explanation on here to write but my mind is now running on empty. I'm exhausted...making up for lost time. Everything seems so different, she's so much more confident and sure about what she wants...me.

The thing I never expected to happen but wanted it to...happened. She sat me down and kissed me and told me how she doesn't deserve another chance but could I ever. And how she is in love with me and knows I'm am who she wants to be with. I make her happy, we get on so well...etc.

It's one of those conversations everyone who has been dumped dreams about and wishes for.

Blast from the Past

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 17:57:31 GMT

Me and my ex have always been really close since we broke up, and it was a really bad ending. I put it all behind me so that I could concentrate on being friends even though what she did broke my trust in her completely. A few nights ago I made a joke. When we were going out I sold her a laptop and she joked "do I get a girlfriends discount?" and put her arms around me. While we were talking (like we do most nights) she asked to buy my PSP off me, I said "but you won't get a girlfriends discount this time". She hung up on me. After lots of attempts to talk to her she eventually picked up the phone. She explained how what I said hurt her as she wishes it never ended between us, and regrets what she did (decided to go on a break and started going out with someone the next day). She says that she doesn't feel anything for this new person because I'm always on her mind. What I felt for her never changed but I'm not sure how to tell her that my trust in her has gone. I think we may get back together but I'm not sure if I trust her not to do it again. I think I need to sit her down and say that trust has to be built again on both sides, and I'm willing to take a risk with her if she will only understand that it will take time to get back to how we were.

The start...

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 10:54:06 GMT

I wonder...will I ever write an entry titled "The end..."? Lets hope not. I can't really explain what made me create a journal, I just woke up today and decided that my life is slipping away from me far faster than I would like and I have very few records of it all. I may as well take the opportunity to explain a little bit about myself as this is the beginning after all.
I work (as a receptionist), go home, eat, sleep and then get up to start it all over. I think the worst aspect of me is that I have terrible trouble sleeping. I'm usually out as soon as my head hits the pillow but I rarely sleep after 5am! Now I'm just talking about all kinds of crap that I bet don't interest anyone. In my defense, this is my journal and who are you to question what goes in it?
So people, welcome to my life